Confessions Of A Demisexual

Anonymous asked: Hey, I'm not entirely sure how to neatly phrase this so I'll explain it and then ask the question. I have a fetish for protruding or prominent vertebrae and collarbones (which it so happens my boyfriend has) but when I see others with prominent vertebrae or collarbones it's as if the fetish doesn't apply. It's kind of like my fetish is only in effect when it applies to someone I actually experience sexual attraction towards. Is this normal for demisexuals?

Oh my gosh, I was so wondering if other demisexuals experienced this! I have a fetish or two, and none of them ‘apply’ unless I know the person/have an emotional connection. Tattoos are something that is one for me, if I’m not connected to the person emotionally, their tattoo won’t change my attraction level to them. But if I’m emotionally connected to them, and they have tattoos… it definitely spikes my attraction to them.

I’d love to hear if any other followers can relate! :)

Anonymous asked: Sorry if this is worded weird. I do not find random people attactive. I don't see random people on the street and think 'they are hot!' or watch a movie because of a specific person (unlike my sisters!!!). Is that considered normal for a demisexual? I guess I just don't really understand the concept of lust. I don't feel funny things when pictures of attractive people are on my dash. Do you have any experiences similar to this?

These are pretty much the same reasons I started looking up the ACE Spectrum, because I just didn’t feel like I felt the same as anyone else. I wasn’t attractive to people like my friends were, and I didn’t feel the same for celebrities that they did. Attractive/sexy pictures didn’t work for me, and porn has always made me feel worse rather than attracted. (The porn thing is different among demis) Alas, the rest is actually pretty common, and I’ve got a couple confessions that relate to this.

Some demis need stronger emotional connections than others, some not so strong. Some demis can be attracted to aquintences, others not until they are best friends with someone. But what sets demisexuals apart is that we don’t have those attractions for people we don’t have a emotional connection with (typically strangers and celebrities)

Anonymous asked: So I just heard about this whole demisexual thing, and I think I be that. However, I am also a sexually confused teenager who is trying to figure out if I am bisexual or not and if that is okay. Can you be demisexual and straight? Can you be demisexual and bi? And do you have any advice for figuring out whether you are bi or not?

As a demisexual bisexual, I can state with confidence that we exist. I can also say with confidence that straight demisexuals exist, because there are many on this blog. Demisexual describes your sexual attractions, whereas bisexual would describe your sexual prefrences. 

As for figuring out if you are bisexual, it is not about how many people you go around sleeping with to figure it out or how many people you don’t sleep with. I’ve never had sex, but I can say confidently that I am bisexual because I experience sexual attraction to both girls and boys. Alas, I can also say with confidence that I am a demisexual because I have to have some sort of emotional connection in order to feel that sexual attraction.  I know I am bisexual because I felt the same crushes, romance, feelings of love, and want for a relationship, and somewhat rarely the desire for sexual things, for both men and women.

Alas, it is not up to me to label you, that is only up to you. If you feel you are bisexual, then you are! If you feel you are demisexual, then you are! :)

Anonymous asked: Hey I just wanted to say thank you, I have been feeling very alone and confused as I find that I cannot be attracted to people at all without at least knowing them, not strongly attracted until I am friends with them at least, whilst my friends fancy boys from afar who they barely know which I just can't relate to. Hearing about demisexuality finally began to set my mind at ease as it seems to make so much sense for me, and although I'm still not sure, this blog has been so helpful and amazing :

AWWWWWWWWWW THANK YOU SO MUCH SWEET ANON <3 I REALLY NEEDED TO HEAR THIS BECAUSE I SOMETIMES WONDER IF THIS BLOG WAS EVEN A GOOD IDEA. Thank you, Anon <3 I created this blog because I felt very alone and confused as well, and I couldn’t find anything good on Tumblr to fit in to. Then I found the term demisexual and it clicked… but we didn’t have a place to fit in, and share experiences, so I created this. I’m so glad it’s helped you <3 and I hope it’s done the same for the other followers!

Anonymous asked: Hi, I confused if i actually may or may not be demisexual. When it came to dating I never looked at women and thought about anything sexual with that person, and anyone I've ever thought about in even remote sexual way where people I had already known for many months. And the one time I did manage to have sex with someone i knew i really had to work at keeping myself interested in it the act. Just wondering if maybe there's some advice you could give? thanks in advance.

It sounds similar to my experiences with crushes, dating and sexual feelings and attraction. (Though I can’t speak for sex and the interest thing because I haven’t been there.)

However, it sounds like your experiences are very similar to those that identify as demisexual. Alas, you are the only one who can define who you are and what your label is! If you feel demisexual fits you, then you are demisexual! :)

Anonymous asked: Hi. I think that I am demisexual, I have never had sexual urges at all, but I do find people attractive/cute. Would I be demisexual if I feel this way?

You can absolute by demisexual! Your label is up to you, and no one else can tell you what to be or what you can’t be. Alas, I’ve identified for demi for quite some time now, and I find people cute, or pleasing to look at, and occasionally attractive. What sets us apart is we don’t feel sexual attractions or urges towards those people until we are emotional connected to them! 

Anonymous asked: Is demisexuality defined by the mental desire to have sex, or the physical response to sexual stimulation? What do you do when they conflict?

I feel like it’s a mix of both, but with focus on actual physical attraction. Many demis don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone until emotional connected with them - this for me, usually includes not having sexual thoughts, desires or fantasies about them until I reach that point. Even in a relationship, a demi may not have the mental or physical desire for sex, because they just have not reach their level of emotional connection. 

It does happen sometimes when your physical desires and mental desires conflict. I’m not sure of what exactly you can do, but if it’s with your partner that these conflicts occur, maybe explain to them that mentally you have the desire, but not yet physically (or vice versa). They should understand, especially if you’ve explained to them demisexuality.

Anonymous asked: I´m biromantic demisexual, and I think I have fallen in love with my best friend, what can I do??

This is something that has happened to be… oh, about four times. It is awkward. Really awkward at times, and it seems like us demisexuals are more likely to fall in love with those closest to us (aka best friends). 

I suggest giving yourself plenty of time. Think through your thoughts and feelings, and the possibilities of how your best friend would react to being told about your crush or/and love.  Weigh the pros and cons.

I’ve lost a friendship because I’ve admitted feelings for my best friend, but eventually the friendship was fixed a little. I’ve also seen a year long beautiful relationship come out of a best friend finally confessing their feelings. Weigh your situation carefully; how do you think he or she will react? If you believe she or he will be positive (even if they reject you kindly) feel free to tell them. If you believe they will react negatively,  I’d give yourself even more time to explore your feelings and see if it’s really a crush, love or something in between that will fade soon. It’s a tough place to be in, especially to know when to risk a friendship for love.